A brand new baby in the family is born the other day.
his name is gonna be Kim Hamiel. Not somewhat sure about how the name should be
written, though his papa said they got it from the Bible. The first baby of the
eldest of my siblings, may the new member of the Cruz clan grow God fearing and
strong, in and out.
While running a computer program that cleans up
unnecessary and temporary files in the pc, I felt the need to do the same for
myself. But unlike the software there
aint any push button in us that would automatically submit me into self
analyzing and run a complete clean-up. Beyond my aged self actualization, the perspective
begun to fade away, now personal maintenance become necessary, turning upside
down look deep looking within my past and what it brought me. Have to find bad
feelings and auras that will have to go away before all the chains in me break down.
If I could only blame time, blame it for becoming unnoticeable, that every tick
of the clock spells my destiny and my life now.
Though everything in me is not really that awful, as
I recall a learning in college that it is human nature to constantly aim in
improving one’s self, or say the self-actualization principle. And I realize
that one may really accommodate self improvement but there are pieces that were
left unnoticed and became stagnant. Yet it is a natural occurrence that is why
most, if not all, will have to find their soul mates that will “complete” and
“compliment” the discrepancies in them.
Celebrate what is right, monsignor echoed. Yeah
right. But when was opposing and celebrating becomes synonymous with each
other? Aren’t we supposed not to forget that what will make all the mess go
right is to simply have a “loving mind” and “thinking heart”? I am not against
change, as long as it is for the better, but radical means seems inappropriate.
There are better options, priestly options, those that will conform in the
principles proper for a man that stands in the presbyterium. Celebrate what is right.
i recovered something in one of my mail folder. i didn’t know if i should be glad or sad after being able to read this again… the sender and i remained friends after all. my frustration was that, even though there came many times, that our distance was only a ride from
pasay to españa, i never ever met her in person. olivia ann siccion never let me. and i did always respected her refusal to the idea, something after all i regret.
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actually theres nothin’ really important abt dis
mail .. d lng me nakapagpaalam ng maaus kanina ..
so un
well.. tnx for the tym we shared .. short as it
may seems, still i enjoyed
ur
company.
tnx 4 everything .. ung 6 hrs na sun calls (grabe
.. na22 me maging patient!) .. ung 10 hours of
continous textings (kahit n i have 2 call u up
para magreply .. hehehe) .. ung 6 hours of chats
(kahit istorbo me sa work) .. saka ung 1 week of
sleepless nyts (kaw kc, u made me fall den ignore
mo lang pla ako after) tnx 2 4 making me feel
special (khit lately .. iba na ata ung special ..
hahaha) saka pala sa love .. meron kaya talaga??
hahahaha. and for very extra sweet (khit charing
lang .. hehe)
so un .. sorry if ive been a headache (nag gf k b
nman ng aning e .. ex n pla .. hehe) kidding
aside, u’ll never realized how happy i was wen u
came into my life (naks!) .. pls dont think i
never trusted u .. d very reason n nging tau, even
if i havent known u personally, is because i did
trust u.
so un po kuya (dati .. better half .. hehe) i dont
really know wat s ahead of us .. if pag balik ko
after d trip ..
ur
stil der .. d bale may usap
nman tau db? na u’ll tell me if u already found
som1 (pero wag sa HK h .. wala me makakausap dun)
so un po? nu p b?? gud luck sa career . be it sa
manila o jan (kaw kc, u didnt listen 2 me e,
nagresign ka agad .. meron ka cguro talaga sadya
sa manila noh?? i bet d me un.. ung frend u
cguro?? hahaha)
i know that ur a very jolly perosn . stay that way
po ..
ur
loved beacuse of it ..stay happy kuya.
so panu po.. mamimiss kita (22o un!) do text me ha
.. piso lang un wag kuripot hubby ko (hehe..
nagrereminish lang po..)
xaxa. nagagalit n nanay ko.. ingats po
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. . .
estoy apesadumbrado, para mí no soy fuerte. le dejé trago, y no
importaba. no demostré ningún corazón cuando usted dio todo su amor.
porque estoy oculto le dejé detrás usted me alcanzó hacia fuera huyó.
es demasiado atrasado ahora, se pierde todo. a excepción de las
memorias de su amor mi alegría.
Keen shades of love in magnificent
light
Adored and bestowed in unending sight
The love in your heart is all it’s
about
Eternal and true, I ponder and
sought
Infused horizon of your charm and
smile
Nevertheless something anyone will
desire
The weary soul of mine endures
freely
Over times I was inspired sincerely
Love was lost and found along
Owing inspiration from you alone
Vast optimism was even thou
forbidden
Ever weary for the passion kept
secret be not forsaken
Deeming South Pole
Contained to come across the antidotes,
of my heart’s burden I sought.
The weigh of my inner self’s insistence,
is waving my uncertain life’s essence…
Nonetheless I believe I belong to something,
always I supposed in time of the King.
Absence was the plea not to befall misery,
in solitude I must trounce every adversary…
Ought to free the lash so I could fly higher,
neither soar between defeats but I must become wiser.
The oasis to be found for I’m in distress,
and I can’t anymore bear another wilderness…
There’s a blissful south pole where light is shown,
prayers again to heaven that may love be born.
Wonderful were the nights were answers given,
over time and cut-off certain, for the blissful south pole
I’m in reveries again…
disappointments come at some time in our lives. an excuse
was to reason out that it was caused deliberately or subconsciously by elements
of misleads. then we would found ourselves standing still, staring, stunned, in
the shattered desire that we endowed but never kept back.
should we think of another beginning would mean another
struggle. risking all that hopes can afford. set sail again, and the anchor we wish
would be dropped at last at the sound ocean of calm waters and find
contentment.
then hope that we shall never fall again in misleading pursuit
of more ideal aspiration without the clear threshold of life in its path.
if only God had provided map on each and every road that we drive along, so shall we not be guessing what’s ahead or would there be further cross roads, or where to turn or should winding roads are near. it could have had led anyone exactly where to go and how to get there without the hassles.
but should there really be a guide map, should I get hold of it? Nah! I don’t think so. Not because I want to live life the hard way, but because I know, as a person who had stood in own footing and freedom, would not like to have a predestined life as the map would point me where to go. no one I assume would like that to happen. God didn’t only give us the ability of to only read and follow. He made us recognize options, choices. He made us capable of making it thru any clogged roads or path ways. it is like He gave us vehicles complete of brakes, headlight, windshield, and everything for us to make it thru our journey. too bad I most of the times neglected to do check-ups. didn’t notice my whole system is not running so smoothly.
I lost sight of many road signs, land marks, friends’ apprehending gestures and detours.
I may now had been in serious rough roads right now, but despite that I’m glad that I am here still going on and on,though slowly. not driving towards nirvana anymore but en route for the consolations of life it could bestow me.
grieve no more. God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
I had been dealing with a lot of uncertainties these past weeks…. A grisly scenario for someone who have had already lost tons of optimisms in this world. I know im not alone. Like Larry Brown being kicked out of the Knicks for not being able to capitalize on major overhauling stakes given unto him. Now I know how it feels being kicked out of the system that never had you wanted being detached. My life in synopsis is tragic. always been in the shadows of failure and dissatisfaction.
Regrets, regrets.
I have regrets, regrets,
for my mistakes an’ thinking only of my self
and all that I have left are these regrets, regrets,
for the things I did that somehow you just can’t forgive
I guess I’ll always have to live with these regrets
-Perry Como
Change is constant. But will my fate ever change? Maybe I should just rest my case. Let this troubled stream water flush me wherever it goes. And this time I wont hope ending up in a nice and calm stream there is. For the sound of stream is a sound of eyes filled with tears. I won’t blame anyone. I now surrender my Nirvana dream.
…asa lng.
